A Beautiful Mess

When I look at a photo, I never look to see what hairs I need to Photoshop out. I never look at the wrinkles on a grandmother and think about making her skin smoother. Rarely do I not include a photo because there is a sun spot glaring through the image. I don't exclude the images where the kids aren't being as cooperative as they could be. 

I look at the hairs blowing across a child's face and I see the wind that blew them there. I see the wrinkles on a grandmother and I see the laughter that brought them there. I see the sun spot and I think of the dimension it creates and the beauty it gives to my art. I see the grumpy looks and I think...

This is just, well, LIFE. 

Life is full of imperfections. It's full of messy hair, messy faces, bad moods, good moods, wrinkles and scars. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. 

I think that's why I like the Gospel so much. Jesus loves me no matter how imperfect I am. No matter how messy my hair is. No matter how much PB & J I have left on my kids faces. No matter if I lost my temper today, or whether everyone got along perfectly. Nothing I do changes what He has already done. Nothing I do changes the fact that in all of my imperfection - when I was His enemy (Romans 5:10) - Christ still died for me. He did not ask me to be perfect or even try first. He just asked me to believe that He died for me and that I needed him to. I needed a Savior.  I could do nothing on my own - especially obtain salvation. I still can't do anything on my own. I still need a Savior.

This is the truth I need every moment of every day. I need to know that whether I meet my own expectations today or not, I am always met with a Savior who sees me for what I am and loves me still. I need to know that Jesus sees through the hair, the fake smile, the dirt, the hurt and the pain and will never let me go. Just as he faithfully came to die for my sins, he faithfully lives with me through His Spirit to grow me and change me to look more like him. 

So, I look at an imperfect picture and I see Jesus. I see His ability to look through the mess that I am and see me - His creation. His child. His beloved.

"Who then can bring accusation against God's elect? God is the one who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised

to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?... No, in

all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:33-35,37-39

This Is How I Fight My Battles

The room is noisy. Crowded. Chaos.

People making dinner. Reminiscing. Laughing.

The noise is good noise - happy. Full of love. Beautiful. Family together after lots of time apart.

But I heard a song this morning that I can't get out of my head. It resonates in my ears, my mind, my heart. The faint hum of this melody - a simple refrain singing over and over again: 'This is how I fight my battles..."

So I do something I've never done before - outside of running or studying. In a crowded room, full of people, noise and chaos - this Extrovert puts in her headphones. I push play.

Suddenly, the only noise I hear is:

"There is a table that you've prepared for me, in the presence of my enemies. 

This is how I fight my battles."

I hear nothing but these words. This music. The noise that filled me head only seconds ago is completely drowned out by these words. This Truth.

The Truth that was so faint before - almost imperceptible - is now loud and clear. It's the only thing I hear.

The noise I was drowning out wasn't bad. But how often is the noise that I'm hearing just drowning out the Voice of the One who loves me? How often am I overwhelmed by the thoughts and chaos of "You're not good enough." "You're a terrible mother." "Look at what all these other people are doing, you're never doing enough." "You're failing." "You've lost."

Then, the Voice of God rings faintly in my ears - "I am more than enough for you. You are loved. You are lovely because I love you. I will never let you go. I have called you by name, you are Mine."

The only way I can fight my battles is by filling my head with this Truth.

I'm enough because Christ overcame all things for me.

I'm good only because of Christ's victory on the cross.

I'm not lost - the battle is already won because Christ conquered it all for me.

"It may look like I'm surrounded, but I'm surrounded by You."

With the Truth of the Gospel. That is how I fight my battles.

"But now, this is what the Lord says —

    he who created you, Jacob,

    he who formed you, Israel:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 

When you pass through the waters,

    I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

    they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

    you will not be burned;

    the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 

For I am the Lord your God,

    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom,

    Cush[a] and Seba in your stead.

4 

Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

    and because I love you,

I will give people in exchange for you,

    nations in exchange for your life."

Isaiah 43:1-4

"Surrounded: Fight My Battles" 

Never. Let. Go.

A couple of weeks ago, Zak and I were walking into the community center where our church meets, and Noel was walking between us. She likes to hold onto both of our hands (if I don't offer her mine right away, she reaches up and says, "Hand!" until I give it to her ;) ) and walk in. This particular day, I noticed something that I hadn't paid attention to before. Like a toddler typically does, Noel falls. She trips on the toes of her shoes that always seem to be too big. She gets distracted looking around at flowers ("flowoos!") or she just plain isn't paying attention.

And usually when she falls, she goes all the way down. But when she is holding both Zak and my hands, her feet go out from under her, but her tiny little grip on our fingers tightens and she holds on for dear life.

She doesn't fall.

So of course we notice that she's hanging from our fingers and we stop, she gets her feet back under her and we keep going forward.

And I thought to myself, "Why don't I do that?"

So often as I'm walking through the situations that life has for me, I trip and fall. I typically try to keep a good grip on God's hand, but when I see the ground start coming for my face, I let go and try to catch myself.

That's my problem.

I was never meant to catch myself.

Trials in life are going to happen. Finances might be tight, health might not be perfect all the time, and just unforeseen and tragic circumstances happen. But we are not meant to catch ourselves. We are meant to hold tightly to the God who provides, to the God who supports, to the God who's banner over us is love.

If we could catch ourselves, there would have been no reason for Jesus to die on the cross. 

So we walk forward, holding tightly to the Almighty hand of God and Never. Let. Go.

"For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:13

Raising Support: What It Really Means

Five years ago, I never imagined that I would be married to someone who's salary was based upon the generosity of others. I never imagined that I would have to ask people to open their hearts to us and the ministry that God has called us to and use their finances to support our family.

A little more than two years ago, we started this process. We had hoped that we would have our full support within a few months, but alas, that was not to be God's plan. We have had ups and downs, increases and decreases. Prayers answered "Yes!" and some answered "Not yet."

But more and more over the last few months, I have realized that "Raising Support" is so much magnificently more than raising funds for our family. Yes, that is a really big part of it, but that is not all of it. Far from it.

Almost ten months ago we found out we were pregnant with our second child. The financial future for the Harris family looked a little, well, less than perfect. We hadn't planned this one, per se - or at least, the plan we had for this one looked a whole lot different. So we reached out to our supporters. We asked for prayer for our finances, for our family, for the pregnancy...and we knew that we were getting that prayer support.

Over the last 6 months or so, we have tried to get together with our supporters - not for any other reason than to just build a relationship with them. Because support is so much more than just money - it's community. We are the body of Christ and we need to support one another - we want to pray for those who are supporting us as much as they are praying for us and supporting us with their generosity.

As we have continued to meet with people and ask for their support, we have realized that there are so many more facets to that word. Community, friendship, prayer, love...and as our relationships with these people grows, I am so much more grateful for the path that God has chosen for us. Not everyone gets to say that they have a relationship with their payroll. But we do. And that has been one of the greatest blessings that God has given us.

"Raising Support" doesn't mean raising funds, it means raising friends. We are greatly blessed.

The Reality of Unmet Needs

I cannot count the many joys of working in missions. There are more than I could have ever hoped, dreamed or expected. But isn't that God, for you? His word says he is able to do far more than we ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20) and he is constantly blowing my mind.

There are times when he shows us a need and by the grace of God, we can help. We can build a house. We can pool some money together with others to pay a child's school tuition. We can pass out beans and rice...

But then there are times when he shows us a great need; a heartbreaking, bring-you-to-your-knees-in-tears kind of a need, that we cannot do anything about. It reminds me that there is so much more to what we do than just meeting physical needs, yet sometimes that is all that we are shown...and how little control we actually have over these situations.

This trip that the team has taken to Haiti, I think brought that truth to the surface in very painful way. It's easy to start believing that we, ourselves, can do anything - the Hero mentality is easy to come by when working short term missions trips. You are often set up for success, because success is the goal - meet needs, share the gospel, reach the people.

But this week, a very real need was presented, and unable to be fulfilled.

In Haiti, the field partner we work with has set up several feeding centers around their community. The feeding centers are designed to help the children of the community get 2-3 meals a week. Often times, because their family can't provide enough for them throughout the week, these are the only meals some children will get. The goal is that not every meal be provided for the children through the center, because we want parents to learn to provide for their own families and not solely rely on charity - but the reality is sometimes that just doesn't happen.

This week, while the team was helping at one of the centers, the pots of beans and rice were getting lower and lower and there were still more children to feed. I wish I could say it was like the five loaves of bread and two fish, but it wasn't. The pots finally emptied, and there were still five boys to feed.

Those boys didn't get fed.

Not only that, but it's likely that it would be another day or maybe two before they would get another meal presented to them.

I have tears streaming very unattractively down my face right now as I write this - which makes me glad only my dog is awake to see me - because my heart is absolutely breaking at the thought of having to be the one to look into the eyes of those children and tell them they had to go home because there was no food for them.

I imagine if that was my child, waiting in line, only to come to the end and be told, "I'm sorry, we cannot feed you." And my heart breaks even further, because I imagine that this is the daily struggle for parents in this country.

The painfulness of this reality goes so much deeper than hunger pains. It is the pain of the depravity of our broken world. A world where some parents cannot provide for their children, in a country where there is no governmental support or WIC or welfare. There is only the generosity and care of organizations like UCI (United Christians International - which is the field partner in Haiti the team is working with this week). And UCI cannot do it by itself. It could not do anything without the provision and grace of God.

And yet, in moments like these, I am reminded of how much more I would like to do. And by myself, it's impossible.

Which is why I am writing. I have no answers within myself, but I know that the Body of Christ is powerful because God is behind it. And nothing is impossible with God.

This is a huge opportunity for the Church - big "C", not the building, but the body of people - to help this organization. UCI was developed by a native Haitian about ten years ago,and his wife, and they have been ministering to the people of Haiti for probably even longer than that. If you would like to give to their organization to help provide more food for the feeding centers or really in any other capacity, this would be an awesome organization to give to. It is not Hungry for Life's goal to simply give money and be absent from the first hand experience of missions work, but God has blessed our country with huge financial resources and sometimes, it can be just as beautiful to show generosity through that in times when you may not be able to physically go and do the work.

So if you would like to donate with UCI or just learn more about the work that Jean Jean and Kristi are doing in Haiti, check out their website:  www.ucihaiti.org. Please prayerfully consider giving to this organization. Please keep them and their organization in your prayers as they minister to their people and train them up in the beauty of the gospel.

And as always, if you would like to know more about what Zak and I do with Hungry for Life or are interested in partnering with us financially or prayerfully, please email us at zakharris@hflusa.org or check out our wesbite: zakharris.org to start supporting us.

I pray that your heart will be broken and mended by the beauty and power of the gospel in your own life today. God is good and to Him and Him alone be the glory.

"To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."  1 Timothy 1:17

Honest Thoughts from a Missionary's Wife

This morning was spent taking another early morning drive to the airport to say goodbye to my husband again for 12 days. It seems like it was just yesterday that we were doing the same thing on Thanksgiving morning...

....I could tell Noel felt the same way, because she couldn't stop clinging to him - and him to her.

The few days leading up to a trip I think I go through every emotion possible.

Anxiety, knowing I will be doing this parenting thing by myself for two weeks.
    Fear, knowing I will be doing this parenting thing by myself for two weeks.
        Immense Joy, knowing that Zak will experience life-changing moments and miracles and hear                stories we would otherwise never know if he didn't have these opportunities.
             Denial, I bury myself in my job and house cleaning and try to forget that he will be gone.
                  Excitement, I think of all the fun things I can plan while he's gone.
                     Relief, knowing I don't have to cook dinner if I don't feel like it and Noel can just eat
                        chicken nuggets for two weeks - which probably won't happen, but it's a nice thought.
                           Happiness, knowing that I don't have to work for two weeks, followed by...
                              More Anxiety, knowing that I won't be working for two weeks, so will we be able                                   to pay our bills this month?

But when I drop him off at the airport, I can only think of the joy that this trip will bring. The lives that will be changed and challenged through it. I think of the lives of those on the team - the richness they will experience as they travel to this country that is so different from our own we could almost be on different planets. The poverty and the joy - the lives they will touch and the lives they will be touched by. The hope they will experience.

I think of myself and Noel. We won't be going on the trip, but God will challenge us equally here. He will teach me patience and self control. He will teach me to rest in Him, to trust in Him while I am not working and know that he knows my needs before I do. He will show me how it is his strength that gets me through each day, not my own. He will show me how He is my provider and my Hope.

And when Zak gets home, we will share our experiences and talk about the day in the hopefully nearer future where I can go with him again. But until then, I am grateful for what we have. I am thankful for those who support us both with prayer and through their own generosity that makes it possible for me to be here with Noel while Zak is gone. I am grateful that Zak gets to go and share the gospel through the work he is doing with Hungry for Life.

And I am grateful that I can be here and share the gospel with our daughter.

"Oh come, let us sing to the Lord; 

let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation! 

Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving;

let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise! 

For the Lord is a great God, 

and a great King above all gods. 

In his hand are the depths of the earth;

the heights of the mountains are his also. 

The sea is his; for he made it, 

and his hands formed the dry land. 

Oh come, let us worship and bow down; 

let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker!" 

 -Psalm 95:1-6

We Are Exceptionally Wealthy

I walked into my apartment this afternoon with the most intense sense of gratitude I have ever had. Here is why.

Two weeks ago, I was feeling very poor. We had a sudden car complication come up that was going to cost around $1400, which was $1400 more than we had. I had realized that the $4000 we have been trying to save up for this baby has not been accumulating as it should be - with no idea why. Our car registration is due this month. And our car insurance next month. And it's Christmas. 

Two weeks ago, I wanted to cry out of anxiety. 

Today, I wanted to cry out of gratitude.

Not because all our financial needs were met in a miraculous way (yet), although that would be awesome. But because I got a glimpse of God's bigger picture.

Three weeks ago, my mom called and told me that she wanted to fly me and Noel out to Michigan for Thanksgiving while Zak was gone to Haiti....Then she told me she didn't want me to pay for anything while I was there. 

Thanksgiving morning comes around and our friend takes us to the airport...and hands us an envelope that looks to be a Christmas card. In the airport I opened it to find $200. "It isn't much," the card read, "but we hope it will help and encourage you." Not much?! Never, ever underestimate the power of a gift. No matter how seemingly big or small. 

All week long, while staying with my parents, I couldn't pull my wallet out fast enough. I would plan to pay for food, my dad would claim the check. I would ask to chip in for groceries, "Nonsense," my mom said, "You don't eat that much." 

All week long, I am reading updates about what my husband is doing in Haiti and I am overwhelmed to tears by the amazing work of our Great God and I am feeling blessed beyond imagination to know and be a part of that work - even if I might not always be right there by his side.  

My flight arrived today and I was met by my friend who picked me and my daughter up from the airport, fed me lunch and then drove us to get our car from the mechanic.

........The mechanic, who graciously discounted our car repairs so that we could get all that needed to be fixed, fixed. 

I walked through my apartment door to a house that smelled of cinnamon and was spotless - because my sister-in-law detailed our apartment...including the bathroom. 

It was that moment that I almost fell to my knees and sobbed. I had to stop everything I was doing and just praise God for the wonderful family and friends that we are blessed with. 

We are so exceptionally wealthy. How could I ever think we were poor? As I write this, I am just weeping as I think about all that God does for us - he knows our needs so intimately and he is so much bigger than I could ever imagine. 

On the flight today, in order to get Noel to sleep, I had to sing to her. I sang for about an hour while she napped and I just sang every worship song I could remember. I had to stop myself from giving in to tears then and there because I was already singing in front of these strangers and I sure as heck wasn't going to cry in front of them, too. But I realized that for all the rest I had this week, I hadn't stopped to worship the God who was giving it to me. 

"Oh, I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like
and I've heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night
and you tell me that you're pleased
and that I'm never alone.
You're a good, good Father. It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
and I am loved by you, it's who I am. It's who I am. It's who I am.
I've seen many searching for answers, far and wide.
but I know we're all searching for answers only you provide.
Cause you know just what we need before we say a word.
You're a good, good Father, it's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
and I'm loved by you, it's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am.
You are perfect in all of your ways,
You are perfect in all of your ways to us. 

Love so undeniable, I can hardly speak.

Peace so unexplainable, I can hardly see.
As you call me deeper still
 As you call me deeper still
 As you call me deeper still into love, love, love.
You're a good, good Father, it's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
 and I am loved by you, it's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am." 

I often forget who I am. A loved child of God. God always provides for our needs....but sometimes I am so blind by the needs I see, that I don't see him filling the needs that I can't. I am a far richer person than I could ever have hoped to be. 

---------------------------------------------------

If you haven't heard the latest Chris Tomlin song from above, here is the link to listen to it on YouTube. It will be way better than imagining me singing it on an airplane full of strangers ;)