"...for we walk by faith, not by sight."

Today, I felt compelled to start a new blog. One that allows me to write about the journey Zak and I are on with Hungry for Life, raising support, growing our family and how God is working on us and in us. Most of the time it isn't easy, but God has been faithful and as we look back, we can see his provision in our lives. Hopefully it will be encouraging to you, because I know now, as I write this first post, it will be encouraging to me.

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Right now, I feel as blind as a bat. I can see the future, I can see - potentially - what is going to happen, but there is nothing I can do about it and there is nothing that I can do to get myself where we need to be by then.

My theme verse for the last couple of weeks has been,

"We make our plans, but the Lord establishes our steps." 

Proverbs 16:9 

A little over a year and a half ago, Zak and I committed to raise support and go on staff with an organization called Hungry for Life, which we felt God clearly calling us to. Raising support has been a huge, exhausting, and beautifully humbling undertaking in which we are forced to talk with our closest friends and family - and also complete strangers - about what we are doing...and ask for the generosity of their own finances to support us in our calling. 

At the time, I was 3 months pregnant with our daughter, Noel, and we were both working other jobs. I told Zak that we should start praying that we could have at least part time support by the time our daughter was born. So we started praying and working.

My plan: We would work our tails off, raise support, have our baby, and my husband could start working with this organization doing something he is deeply passionate about. 

Fast forward to Noel's birth: Our support is barely over 30% for our part-time goal, in spite of every effort being made from both of us. My question was "This wasn't our plan. So how on earth is it going to work now?" 

God's answer: Faith. 

I have this little placard above our sink that I got at the dollar store a long time ago. It says, "Faith is seeing light with your heart when your eyes see only darkness." 

2 Corinthians 5:7 says, "...for we walk by faith and not by sight." The ESV Study Bible commentary says this about that verse: "This is not a reference to believing the unbelievable, but to living all one's life based on confident trust in God's promises for the future, even when one cannot yet see the fullness of the coming glory."

Having faith isn't always believing that the unbelievable is going to happen. It wasn't that when we only had 30% of our support raised that faith meant I had to believe that in two days God would raise the other 70%. (Although, I fully believe that God can do that if it is His will). Rather, faith is about confidently believing and trusting in the promises of God. It is about believing that God knows our needs and will provide for them because He is Jehovah-Jireh, The Lord Who Provides.

God doesn't promise that he will give us exactly what we ask for. But He does promise that we will have what we need. He does promise that what he does give us is for our good. It doesn't always happen in the exact way that we pray or plan, but we know we will be able to look back and say that He provided.

When I look back on the last year and a half, honestly, I see a lot of moments of disappointment, fear, discouragement. But I also see that I was never in need. I see that Satan was attacking me on all fronts, and I let him win and drive me to not trust in the promises of God. I allowed myself to doubt God's faithfulness - and yet he was faithful. 

I look at my single life - life before my husband, my daughter, my life in Salt Lake City. I had thousands of dollars in the bank. I could buy whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. But I acted like a pauper. I was so fearful of losing all that I had, that I rarely let any of it go.

I look at my life now - just over $100 in our savings account. Both working part time hours with part time incomes. Raising a baby - paying for a baby - we can't buy whatever we want and we rely on the generosity of others for our income...which I look at who I was 5 years ago, and I am ever more grateful for the generosity of those who support us. I am thankful that they don't think like I did and withhold from us, but rather give out of what they have so that we can do the work God has called us to.

Where I am standing right now, in this moment, a year and a half into this ministry and the lessons God has taught me, the moments of fear and doubt and chaos...they are far less than when I was single. I have far more confidence in God's promises now than I ever did then. I am much more confident in where I stand with $100 in my savings account than with $10,000. 

I think sometimes God's plan is less about getting us the material things we need, and more about getting us the faith we need to make it through this life. 

I am so thankful for Hungry for Life and the work that they do - and I am far more grateful that we get to be a part of it.